


Lost in the Woods

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Emotional, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, First War, Friends to Enemies, Ghost of James Potter, Good Severus Snape, Kissing, Lily Evans Potter Lives, Morally Grey Albus Dumbledore, No Smut, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent, Sleigh Ride, Spy Severus Snape, Step father Severus Snape, Twistmas, canon death of James Potter, happy ending of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:00:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28173567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Severus Snape was living the life of his dreams. Lily was his wife, Harry his adopted son, and he even was on speaking terms with his mother:But he’s living a stolen life and on sleigh ride he is reminded of that.Or Severus remembers how he got there.
Relationships: Eileen Prince/Tobias Snape, Past James Potter/Lily Evans Potter - Relationship, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Severus Snape/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36
Collections: Twistmas 2020 - A Dark Remix Xmas Fest





	Lost in the Woods

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Twistmas2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Twistmas2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Sleigh Ride
> 
> Thank you RoseHarperMaxwell for all your help with betaing this. And thank you Starryar for Alphaing and brainstorming with this. You gave me the courage to go in the direction I wanted to and reminded me that I am allowed to like what I like. You listened to me ramble on and piece this together piece by piece. It wouldn’t be what it is without either of you.

Severus stared ahead, gripping the horses’ reins. They were heavy but fit comfortably in his hands. Harry sat in between Severus and Lily, his green eyes looking out at the world around him. His wild curls were still untamed, even shoved under the hat Lily had insisted he wear. She was the reason that they were out here. The woman knew how to get what she wanted, though to be honest Severus gave into her quite easily. He was also glad to make his four-year-old adopted son happy. 

Severus knew quite a bit about horses. His grandfather had owned a few at his manor home and had insisted that he pass down the knowledge to his grandson, much to Tobias’ dismay. His father called them a waste of money and time, not that Septimius cared what a stupid Muggle thought about how he spent his time or money. Their relationship as a family had been on knife’s edge for nearly a decade before his grandfather and father came to blows. There were no more visits to the old manor house, no more horses, and no more money to tide them over when things got really bad. 

It didn’t matter though. That was the past...both his father and grandfather were now long dead. Sometimes one had to take the good and then set the bad aside. It was, however, easier said than done. Lily saw one of those old photos when they had visited his mother. The Snape family stood in front of a sleigh, his parents looking both like they wanted to jump out of their skin. He’d been maybe about five, grinning ear to ear as if he didn’t understand why his parents weren’t as happy as he was. 

Children were both gullible and blind to the things that went on around them at that age, or at least they pretended to be. But Lily, for better or worse, always tended to look on the bright side. She’d say, “Can’t we do this with Harry? Wouldn’t it be so much fun?” 

His mother, in her rather sullen Eastern European way, said nothing and only sighed loud enough to spook her elderly cat. Severus was the only reason the two of them tolerated each other. Eileen kept her comments to a minimum, and Lily tried not to take what the elderly witch said to heart.

Instead of telling her how hard it would be to wrangle a sleigh, two horses, and find a place to safely do it—on a professor’s salary at that—he simply said, “Of course we can.” 

Sometimes giving in had its benefits. Lily leaned over, rubbing his shoulder gently. “Thank you for doing this. Harry is so happy. He’s been struggling since our wedding. I think Sirius has been...I don’t even know. He just doesn’t understand that I can’t spend the rest of my life dressed in widow’s garb and crying. Harry needs to have happy memories. Just look at him.”

Severus didn’t have to look at the boy. The child reached over, hugging his arm. “Papa, this is so much fun!” His smile was infectious, and all the headaches to make this happen were worth it. 

Well, one headache. He called her grandmother. Her grumblings, wooden spoon whacking, and questioning, “why do you only visit me when you need something?”

He had yet to tell Lily that they were going to be spending Boxing Day at a crumbling manor, listening to stories about all the Princes who lived before any of them had even been born. Listening to an old woman go on about a family, when she was only a member of it in name and the name would die with her. The Princes were many things, but the only reason they had not been proud Death Eaters was because they had been too old to join them when the Dark Lord came to power. 

His grandmother wouldn’t make snide comments to Lily or about Harry—that had been his only stipulation for them visiting her. The old woman was lonely and she had paid for him to get his mastery, much to his shock. He owed her a visit every so often because of that, didn’t he?

The horses trotted smoothly, pulling the sleigh with ease down the path through the Forbidden Forest. Their jet black manes flapped in the wind. Friesians, his grandfather had called them, handpicked by him because they were fancier than the other carriage breeds. Severus wanted to roll his eyes at the thought. Horses were simply horses; their breed and colouring mattered little to him in the end. All that mattered was if they could do the job that you were asking of them. Though he had to admit they were beautiful, and black was a nice colour. 

Harry’s laughter lulled Severus from his thoughts, bringing him back to the present just in time for the horses to spook, trying their very best to rip the lines from his hands. A stag was standing in their path, acting so unlike an animal. The very sight of it sent a sharp shock of fear through his body…

It couldn’t be, he thought. He saw the body himself. He went to the funeral. He visited the grave of James Potter just a few weeks ago.

“Get on, you stupid animal,” Severus called out, as he tried to maintain control of the horses. Lily held onto Harry tightly, as if she was terrified he might be launched from the sleigh if it made a sharp move. Her emerald green eyes were wide with fear. And yet the creature in their path did not move, even as the horses barreled towards it. They hadn’t yet settled back into an even trot and were in more of a choppy run.

“Woah, woah. Come on boys,” Severus said, as calmly as he possibly could. 

What had his grandfather said?  _ Horses feel your tension down the leathers; they give back whatever you put into them. _ The man must have been a fool. You couldn’t be calm when you were in danger, horses needing you to be damned. 

Yet that’s exactly what he had done for nearly a year. Standing before the Dark Lord, sweating bloody bullets, terrified that his walls would crumble and it would be the death of him. It was different now. It wasn’t just him in danger, but Lily and Harry as well. 

There were just a few feet left when the stag transformed back into a man—a ghost, to be exact. James Potter was no more alive than the Bloody Baron. He floated out of their way and the horses settled, stopping as if nothing had happened at all. His hair was just as wild as it always had been, even in this form. His eyes were as sharp as glass. He looked dangerous, and if looks could kill, Severus would be dead. 

“Daddy!” Harry cried, pointing at the ghost. “Mummy, it’s daddy! Uncle Siri said he would come back!”

“Well, aren’t you just a greasy little home wrecker, Snivy?” James snarled. “Lily, did you even wait until my body was cold before you jumped in bed with a Death Eater?”   
  
“James,” she whispered. Her face fell and tears streamed down her pale cheeks.

As the life Severus built crumbled like a house of cards, he thought back to how he had gotten there. 

***

It was Halloween around midnight; there had been whispers among the Death Eaters that the Dark Lord was planning something and that it was going to be big. But in a million lifetimes, Severus could not imagine it would be  _ this. _ A light dusting of snow crunched under his boots as he made his way to the Potter’s home. Death Eaters didn’t tend to leave anyone alive, and if they did? It might be better off if they were dead. 

Bellatrix had come up with some rather sadistic things that could be done to a human body while still keeping a person alive over the years. The Dark Mark cut across the night sky, making him sick to his stomach. There had been a time that he would have been among those revelling in the bloodlust, but that version of himself might as well be a different person. 

Dumbledore may assume he was some sort of monster, only switching sides to plead for the life of a woman who would never want him, who had never loved him. But the fact was, that had simply been the thing that ripped the blindfold from his eyes. It snapped him back to reality with a painful sharpness, allowing him to see the horror and monstrous group for what they were: killers. Monsters who wore white gloves and claimed their fingertips not to be stained with the blood of others. 

Would he continue if she was gone, Severus wondered. Would he even want to?

He sighed to himself. He knew deep down that he would. Severus would do it for his former friend’s memory and that of her son. Potter—well, he could rot in hell or heaven, whichever seemed to be able to handle his stupidity better. Once he reached the front steps he saw the door hanging open, barely on its hinges. The house smelled like death.

It was something you only knew if you had smelled it before. It sunk into everything, leaving a vile odour that clung to things. It smelled that way to tell us to run, to leave whatever it was that it had sunk into. That whatever it was would bring was no good.

Severus stepped through the doorway, and before him were the bodies of James Potter, his long black hair giving him away, and the Dark Lord, the unnatural green that bled into his skin’s pallor in life visible in death as well.

Their wands laid next to their bodies.

He stepped over them both and started to climb the stairs, preparing himself for the sights he might face. He tried to avoid thinking about the bodies of the other victims he had seen. Had Bellatrix finally lost it? Killing not only her targets, but her master as well? No, she wouldn’t. She loved the man, even if he did not return those feelings. He wasn’t capable of such things, as much as his married right-hand-woman  _ wished _ he was. 

Was Alabaster Moody the cause of it? Would he strike Severus down without even bothering to ask why he was here? The Auror might be powerful enough to kill the Dark Lord, or at least crazy enough to. It was then that he heard a baby’s soft cry echoing throughout the empty house, and a woman’s soft murmur begging the child to be quiet. 

Severus bolted up the stairs, taking them two at a time, reaching the first bedroom and ripping open the door. A toddler’s foot sticking out from beneath what must have been an invisibility cloak. 

“Lily?” He croaked, hoping that she too had survived. Hope was such a foolish thing, wasn’t it? Hope only led you to getting your heart broken and your resolve stomped on. 

Severus stepped forward, reaching down to pull the cloak off of the baby. His heart was in his throat.

Would he just find the boy and not her? Had someone taken her? But if they did that, why in the world would they have left the baby behind? No Merlin, they wouldn’t have. It would have been crazy to do so, unless… 

Once he pulled the cloak away, Lily launched herself at him with a growl. “Stay away from us!” 

“I am not going to hurt you,” Severus promised, setting his wand down next to her. He raised his hands above his head, slowly. 

“Really?” Lily asked, as if she didn’t believe him. 

“I was spying for Dumbledore on  _ them,  _ that’s why.”

Her green eyes narrowed. “Why should I believe you?”

“Because when do you know me to leave myself unarmed?”

“Because unlike everyone else, Snape, I know you,” Lily muttered. “You were doing wandless magic before _ you _ even went to Hogwarts.”

“And so were you,” he deadpanned. 

“I played with flowers. You made a branch fall on my sister’s head.”

Severus shifted from foot to foot under her gaze, “I dropped it  _ next  _ to her. And she called me and  _ you _ a horrible name.” 

A crack of Apparation cut Lily off before she could get another word in. Albus Dumbledore stepped into the bedroom as if nothing was unusual about the situation. He was dressed as usual in garish robes. This one was a bright blue that reminded Severus of the seashore. 

“Lily, Severus, and Harry,” he said, as if he was commenting on the weather. “Did James survive?”

“No,” Severus said. “Neither did the Dark Lord.”

Lily let out a cry, her clenched fist flying to her mouth. Tears fell down her face, but then she seemed to steel herself, gathering her strength. She stood up. Her back was rigid, her tears wiped away, and her hand holding onto the toddler at her feet. Severus could nearly feel the anger that came off her in waves. 

It did not matter how many years had passed since he had called her that name; the space between them was just as large as it had been all those years ago. It didn’t matter. It did not change that he was happy that, against all the odds, Lily Evans Potter and her son were still alive. 

“That...how?” Dumbledore asked, his nearly-white eyebrows shooting up. 

Severus spoke softly, though rarely sharp. “I don’t know. They are both near the stairs. I can only assume they fought Or someone else killed them both.”

“Impossible,” the headmaster murmured. “Though there are rumours about old magic. I must look into it…”

“It’s not safe for them—either of them—to stay here. Someone might come to see what happened to _ him _ .”

Dumbledore paced back and forth across the carpet. “I think it would be best for them to stay separately.”

“No!” Lily screeched. “You're not taking my baby!” 

“Lily, you have been through a traumatic event and you are not thinking clearly,” the headmaster said. “You know I would not hurt you or Harry. Voldemort might be dead, but his Death Eaters are not. They might want to hurt you or Harry to get information about what has happened to him. We have to protect him and you.”

“And you can do that while keeping us together,” Lily said firmly. She stood up, still somehow keeping the boy in her arms as she did so. “I will not be separated from him, no matter what.”

“Severus, they can stay with you, can’t they?” Albus asked, smiling softly. “Lily, he can make sure both of you are safe. Things will settle down when the Aurors round up the Death Eaters.”

“He’s a Death Eater!” She screamed and pointed at Severus.    
  


“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Albus,” Severus said. He thought about his mother, with her low tolerance for children and people in general, with whom he still lived. His home was no place for children, not even Potter’s. 

“He works for me, Lily. And you trust me, don’t you?” His blue eyes twinkled, as if he was daring her to question him. 

It left an unsettled feeling in Severus’ stomach. Sure, he wanted Lily close—wanted her with him. But they weren’t friends anymore. Severus hated to admit it, even to himself, but she belonged with her friends, Black and Lupin. Or better yet, the Longbottoms. They were a good family and their house was also under a Fidelius charm, wasn’t it? Speaking of that...the Dark Lord shouldn’t have been able to find this house. Hell,  _ he _ shouldn’t have been able to find this house… But Voldemort had told him, which meant that the secret keeper must be dead even after giving up the Potters. 

“Wait,” Severus said. “Lily, who was your secret keeper?” 

“Sirius Black,” Dumbledore answered.

The red-haired woman looked as green as her eyes, biting her lip sharply. 

“I didn’t ask you, I asked Lily,” he muttered. “Who was your secret keeper?”

“Peter Pettigrew,” she said. “We did it because Sirius was worried he would be easy to guess and that the Death Eaters would torture him. James was the one who thought it would be a good idea to go with Peter instead...Remus was Merlin-only-knew-where, and we thought that we could trust him.”

“Seems that wasn’t the case,” he sighed.

“Well, that changes things…” Albus said. “Maybe it would be best if…”

“No!” Lily and Severus shouted together, for once in a long time in agreement on something. 

“We should get going,” the headmaster said, rolling his eyes as if he thought they were both daft idiots.

In for a penny, in for a pound, Severus thought. It might change things for better or worse, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

Harry, the boy with bright green eyes, looked up at  Severus. Looking so much like Potter, but as he looked closer at him, he noticed the small details. The boy had Lily’s nose, her chin and a softness that Potter had never had, at least not when he’d been looking at Severus. 

“Who you are?” Harry said. “I Hawwy.” 

“Hello,” he sighed, starting to untangle the child from around his leg. The boy’s gummy fingers clung to him. “Why don’t you go play with your toys? Wouldn’t that be so much fun?”

It wasn’t only his mother who despised children…

Lily stood up from where she gathered the boy’s things. In three quick steps, she was ripping Harry off of him. Her green eyes were sharp and her voice full of venom. “Stay away from my son, Snape.”

“He’s on our side, Lily,” Dumbledore murmured, twisting his beard around his fingers. 

“He might be on  _ your _ side, but he’s surely not on mine.” 

Her words cut him like a knife. 

Merlin, Severus thought. This was going to be so much fun, wasn’t it?

***

Severus hated holidays, but Christmas more than any other. Growing up, his father had usually spent them drunk on the couch. Hogwarts had been his freedom from that. He could stay there, he could eat as much as he wanted, and for the most part, he had the dorm room to himself. But on the other side of the coin, staying at the school during those years made him stick out like a sore thumb. 

His fellow Slytherins could see just how different the boy with the battered trunk and the second-hand uniform was. What child didn’t want to go home for Christmas? Only ones whose parents didn’t love them. And there had to be a reason for that, didn’t there?

That was the past though, long ago. It didn’t matter now, did it?

This holiday, however, was stranger than all the other ones put together. Eileen, his mother, was sitting in her armchair by the fire, her long black hair tied back and out of her face. Her dark eyes stared down at her hands. She was  _ clearly  _ uncomfortable with their house guests. Lily sat on the sofa, Harry in her lap, but he was trying to wiggle out of her arms and get down on the floor. Sirius Black sat next to her, his black hair falling into his face and covering one eye. Severus himself sat at the edge of the room on a kitchen chair. 

Not a single one of them wanted to be here, except maybe Harry. There was a Christmas tree in the corner, something that had never been in this house for at least as long as Severus could remember. It wasn’t all that big, and was decorated with things that had been gathering dust in the attic, as well as items he picked up from the charity shop down the road. 

Most of the presents under it had been bought by Black, including one that was shaped like a broom. Lily was as beautiful as she had always been, though her expression was that of someone who was tired. No matter  _ his  _ feelings when it came to Potter, the man had been her husband and the father of her son. His death had also been a rather horrible way to go, murdered in cold blood by a madman. But in the end, James had gotten something he would have chosen, had he been given a choice. Or at least Severus thought so. The man had saved his wife and son. It had been with an old form of magic from so long ago, covering and shielding them. It had also killed Voldemort in the process. 

Harry finally wriggled loose from his mother’s arms. He toddled over to Severus, grabbing his leg like he always did. “Sewvewus,” he said. “Up!”

“Go back to your mum. I am sure she wants to open your presents with you,” Severus muttered. Under his breath, he added, “or maybe Black can turn himself into a dog and entertain you that way.”

The other man must have heard him—considering the dirty look he gave him though he said nothing. 

“Up,” the boy said again. “Up! Up! Up!” His gummy fingers rubbed whatever sticky substance was on his hands over Severus’ trouser legs.

“Fine,” he grumbled, picking the boy up and sitting him on his lap. 

For whatever reason—one that he could not understand—Potter’s boy found him utterly fascinating. There was nothing he seemed to be able to do to dissuade that, no matter how hard he tried. It seemed it was easier to just give in. Soon the boy would grow tired of him, Severus was sure of it. As sure as he had ever been of anything. But that didn’t mean that he could not enjoy the crestfallen look on Black’s face at the sight of James Potter’s boy, his godson, sitting in Severus Snape's lap. 

Lily didn’t comment and lightly shoved Sirius back when he tried to stand up. 

“He’s not going to hurt him, Siri,” she murmured, tucking one of her ankles behind the other. “I know it’s strange, but he’s been helping me and I am grateful for it. Anyway, Dumbledore trusts him, for what it’s worth.”

“What it’s worth is a boot up his bloody arse,” Black spat. 

“Sirius!” Lily snapped. “I told you when I invited you to be nice. We are guests in their home. It’s not that hard to keep your mouth shut, is it?” 

“If he did, he might drop dead,” Eileen said, barely looking over her newspaper and her reading glasses. “What? You two were likely thinking the same thing, weren’t you?”

The teapot began to whistle, the sound filling their ears. 

“I will get it,” the redhead sighed. 

  
“And I will help you,” he added. “Harry, go over to Sirius. I need to go help your mum in the kitchen.” 

Lily hissed, shoving her hair back into a ponytail, but didn’t say anything to him. The little boy grumbled and then he walked over to his godfather. Severus stood up and followed after the woman. 

The kitchen was small and rather cramped. It left the two of them brushing against each other. They both ended up reaching for the teapot, which was spewing out smoke and whistling loudly.

“I don’t need your help,” Lily growled, poking a finger sharply at his chest. “I know how to make tea, you know. I am not some sort of helpless bloody child.”

Severus sighed, holding back the urge to roll his eyes. “There are too many people for you to carry the cups by yourself. Beyond that? I wanted to talk to you. Is that a problem?”

“Possibly,” she said, as she reached up to pull teacups out of the cabinet. “What if I don’t want to talk to you? Just because I made that comment to Sirius doesn’t mean I like you. Trusting you and liking you, Snape, are two very different things.”

“Lily...I…”

“Don’t even start, because I don’t care to hear it. And since you're so darn helpful? You can get your tea.” She grabbed up two of the full teacups and, with fury coming off of her in waves, she was gone.

“Well, that seems to have not gone well,” his mother said, as she reached around him to grab her cup of tea. 

“Mother,” Severus snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just leave it be.” 

“Why do you keep chasing after the mudblood?” She asked. “You could do so much better…”

“Says the woman who married a muggle.”

“And what a mistake that was,” Eileen growled, taking a sip of her tea. “You should take her to London for New Year's Eve. It might cheer her up. I can watch the boy.”

“One moment you are telling me to forget her and the next you are telling me to take her on a date?” He whispered, rolling his eyes. “So, mother, what is it?”

“I did not say you should take her on a date; I think that you should take her out for some drinks on New Year's Eve. To me, at least, that is  _ quite _ different.”

“She lost her husband, mother,” Severus said. “I...we aren’t even friends anymore.”

“Right,” she said. “You just randomly take a woman and her child in and she randomly decides to stay for months, when she’s clearly got other people she could stay with. You two might be fools, but I am not. Ask her. The worst thing she can say is no.”

“You hate children... Why would you even suggest that you would watch Harry?” 

“Actually, I rather like the boy,” Eileen said, smiling and patting his cheek. “He reminds me of you.”

Severus opened and shut his mouth, having nothing to say to that. It felt odd to him. His mother thought Potter’s boy was...like him? Impossible. As impossible as anything would ever be. She had to be lying; he would bet anything that she was. Trying her best to make him more comfortable with the idea of leaving the boy with her. As if he cared for him. Did he actually care for him? 

Impossible. Or maybe it wasn’t.

Harry looked like his father—well mostly. But that didn’t mean he  _ was _ him, now did it? The boy was a boy, but he was also his own person. Severus looked like Tobias, or so his mother claimed, before the beer had made him fat and life had weathered him. Even if he did, he wasn’t like that man, or at least he hoped he wasn’t.

Though this could just as easily be foolish thoughts. Just because Harry wasn’t like his father now didn’t mean that Sirius Black was not going to do his very best to raise the boy to be a mini-James.

He was just the type to do that, wasn’t he? A man who couldn’t look past the house someone was sorted into. Wasn’t he the one who got into a shouting match with his own cousin, Andromeda, because she was a Slytherin? The woman was married to a Muggleborn, and had a daughter with him. Blasted off the tree for both things, just like Sirius himself had been. 

Lupin was less likely to do it, though the man wasn’t honestly around very much when it came down to it. Maybe it was the shame at how poor he was, or maybe the man had been lucky enough to find a job somewhere else that didn’t care about his condition. 

Severus carried his tea as he thought about this situation. It felt as though he had been transported to another world. Had Dumbledore wanted this to happen? Or was it simply something that had just happened? 

Speaking of which, he needed to send a letter to the man... Narcissa claimed that she had some information that might help the situation with Lucius. It seemed she wanted to trade said information for his freedom. Part of him wanted to tell her she should be going to the Aurors, that the order had disbanded. But something held him back…

Something that made him wonder how she knew that Severus was actually a true spy for the order. Dumbledore had gotten him cleared without a trial, pushing the political system in the direction that he wanted it to go. His old friend’s wife should not have known that he was, in fact, an Auror member. And yet Narcissa did. 

The fact left him with a rather unshakable feeling of apprehension that he was unable to swallow down. It wasn’t the time to think about such things. Not until after the new year, at the very least. Today was Christmas, and while it wasn’t as pleasant as it could be, it could be far worse…

When Severus entered the sitting room, Lily was waiting for him in the doorway.

“I am sorry,” she muttered. “I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I just...I don't even know at this point. I am happy that you have changed, Severus, but I don’t think it’s ever going to be like it was when we were younger. I don’t think I can ever just pick up where we left off. But if you are willing, can we start again? Can we start from the beginning? Just try to forget everything and see what happens?”

“I was just about to ask you that,” he said. “My mother thinks we should go to London and look at the Christmas lights before they are taken down. We could take Harry if you wanted to. It might be fun for him as well. We will just stick to the Muggle parts to be safe. Does that sound good?” 

His mother looked at him from where she sat, rolling her eyes at him. 

Whatever, Severus’ mind snarled. This idea was better anyway. This was something friends would do when they were forced to live together.

__ Or at least he thought it was. 

***

It was spring now. Time passed slowly, rolling on as the days grew longer and the nights grew shorter. They were both awkward and seemed to spend a rather long time stumbling through whatever this was. Harry, on the other hand, took everything in stride and begrudgingly, Severus had grown to love the boy. 

Lily seemed to grow more comfortable around him. She smiled more, laughed at things, and she seemed more like herself. It was not to say that Lily did not struggle. Far from it. But as strange as it sounded, she would spend time with his mother, sitting in the back garden, watching Harry play. They talked about well Merlin-only-knew-what, but at least they were not screaming at each other. 

Severus, on the other hand, spent his days teaching utterly impossible bloody brats potions. It was actually like trying to teach them how to not blow themselves up while they failed at making potions. 

Severus walked up the steps of his ramshackle childhood home. He pulled out the key to unlock the front door, turning it in and then gently shoving the door open. He quickly hung up his cloak on the hook by the door, then kicked off his boots and set them out of the way against the wall. 

“How was your day?” Lily asked, as she rounded the corner into the sitting room. 

“Truly, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?” Severus muttered. “Because it’s been quite lovely.” He tried and failed to hold back the urge to roll his eyes.

She smiled at him. “That bad, huh?”

“Not any worse than they usually are. Can I ask you, did either of us ever blow up potions for the stupidest reasons?”

“No, but if I remember correctly, Sirius did,” Lily remarked, taking a sip of water from the glass she was holding. “There was also the Hufflepuff, Diggory or something like that, who always seemed to as well. Unlike Sirius, he was actually trying to make them right.”

“Remember that time Diggory blew up that one potion that left us with bright purple hair?” He sat back on the couch. “By the way, where is Harry?”

She sat down next to him. “Your mother took him to the park for me, so you and I could talk when you got home.”

Severus reached out, taking her hand into his own and tapped his foot lightly on the pea-green carpet. 

Merlin, why hadn’t they gotten rid of that horrible thing? __

“What do you want to talk about?” He let go of her hand and stood. “I am going to start dinner while we talk, if that’s okay?” 

“I can help. If you want, that is?” 

“Sure.” Severus couldn’t help but watch Lily as she fidgeted, shifting from foot to foot, nervous energy coming off of her in waves. “Lily, what has gotten you so twisted in knots?”

“Ahh, let's just get cooking. We can talk about it later, okay?”

He nodded, tucking a bit of his hair behind his ear. “Sure. What do you want for dinner?”

“Whatever is easiest,” Lily sighed. 

Severus said nothing as he entered the kitchen, pulling out a pot from a cabinet. He found himself watching Lily out of the corner of his eye. She stood not too far from him, gripping the edge of the counter. She was dressed in a pair of denims and a brown jumper. 

He rolled his shirt sleeves up to his elbows and wiped his far-too-long fringe out of his face. 

“Let’s just make vegetable soup. Does that sound good?” 

“Yeah, it does,” she murmured, biting her lip. Then she blurted, “I think we should get married.”

The wooden spoon that he held slipped from his hands, landing with a loud clatter on the linoleum floor. 

“You want to get married?” Severus croaked, bending down to pick up the spoon. “I…” His stomach twisted itself into knots as he wondered if Lily was actually being serious or just joking.

“It was a stupid suggestion, wasn’t it?” Lily laughed, her voice shaky and green eyes betraying her, clearly giving herself away. “We can just forget about it if you want to, Severus. I am sorry that I even brought it up.”

For once in a long time Severus did something truly crazy, but it felt rather right to do it. He reached out, pulling Lily closer to him by the belt loops of her jeans. They crashed together, and he kissed her. For half a second he worried that she would shove him away, and yet her hands went to his neck, pulling him closer. Lily’s fingers tangled in his hair and her nails dug sharply into his scalp. His tongue plunged into her mouth. 

They pulled away from each other and Severus whispered, “I will happily marry you, Lily Evans, but only if this is  _ actually _ what you want to do. I love you. But I don’t want you looking back on this in a few years thinking, ‘why in Merlin’s name did I do this?’ I don’t want to be something that you are forced to do. You can stay here as long as you want or need to with Harry... Whether or not you want anything with me.”

“This isn’t about what you might give me,” she said as she stared up at him. Her green eyes were as bright as emeralds, but far more beautiful. She reached out, brushing her fingers across his cheek, causing him to shiver under her touch. “It’s about wanting a life with you.”

Lily was lying. Severus would bet everything that he owned that she was lying to him. And yet he knew that he was in far too deep to walk away. He wanted to believe her; he wanted to trust this woman, the one he had loved for as long as he could remember. Yet it didn’t change the fact that he knew that he should walk away. 

But Severus didn’t. He nodded and said, “Yes, I will marry you.” 

Lily rocked up on her toes and kissed him once more. Maybe this wasn't the craziest thing that Severus had ever done, but it was one that left him feeling that he was flying even though his feet hadn’t left the ground. 

Lily was going to be his wife, he thought. Merlin, this had to be some sort of dream. But Harry was also going to be his step son, and as odd as that might sound?’ Severus wasn’t mad about it. He might not like the brats that he was forced to teach, but Harry was different... He was Lily’s son, and soon he would be his as well. If the boy wanted to be. 

***

James Potter stood in front of them—the ghostly version of himself—snarling. His arms were crossed over his chest and his hazel eyes cut Severus like a knife. 

Gathering up his strength, he jumped down from the sleigh. It seemed that he and Potter needed to talk this through, man to man. Long ago he had wished that this man would vanish, that he would disappear. Severus had thought the world would be a better place if James Potter never existed. 

But now he felt quite differently. Severus realized in that instant that he was living the life that the other man should have had. It was not him that stole it from James, but it had been stolen all the same. The snow crunched under his boots, the sound filling his ears with each step he took. The horses were jittery next to him. The one closest to him had eyes as wide as saucers, his small ears pinned back sharply. The other was thrashing his head to and fro, as if he was trying to get the bit between his teeth.

“Settle down,” he muttered. “Easy now. That’s it.” He reached out to pat them gently.

“I will  _ not  _ settle down!” James spat. “You are an utter bastard, Snape, and you have no right to act like that you’re not.”

“I was talking to the horses, you swine, not you. You have every single bloody right to be angry at me, James, but you know what? You should not be angry at Lily for moving on. She loved you. She still loves you, but what was she supposed to do? Spend the rest of her life simply waiting to die?”   
  


“There’s a whole lot, you git, in between giving up on life and jumping in bed with a Death Eater. But you’ve wanted her for all of her life, haven’t you? Don’t bother answering that. Your face screams it loud and clear for me.”

Lily jumped down from the sleigh, Harry still clutched tightly in her arms. Severus prayed to whatever God there was that the horses would not bolt. That was the last thing that they needed at the moment. His wife walked over to them, her red hair catching in the light breeze. Severus could smell her, her shampoo hitting him like a ton of bricks. This  _ ghost _ had no right to make them feel like crap. The two of them had done the best they could for Harry. They had survived, and that was all that truly mattered in the end. The dead had it far easier, didn’t they? Going on without the worry about the mundane or the trouble that came with being alive. The sharpness of that echoey ache that seemed to haunt every moment of your days. 

Survivors' guilt, Muggles called it. A funny name for that. The painful feeling seemed to bury itself in your chest, trying its very best to eat you alive. The wizarding world had yet to come up with a better name for it, which they generally tried to do. 

Whatever the name, it was still there. As painful and haunting as anything else had ever been. It was far better to be struck down in the war. And yet as much as Severus believed that, he would not trade places with James. He would not give up the life that he had learned to love for the man it belonged to. He might not be Harry’s father, but he was his papa. He was the man who tucked him in bed at night, the one who told him stories, and the one who did his very best to make sure the boy was safe. That mattered in the end, didn’t it? 

Lily reached out for Severus, taking his hand into her own. 

The girl he had loved his whole life had far more important things to say than Severus himself might. This was more her story than it ever would be his. 

“James,” she said with conviction and strength. “I loved you more than words could ever say. I used to imagine the life that we would have together. It was going to be filled with joy, happiness, and the laughter of many children. But that was not the life that was given to us. It was not your fault, and it wasn’t mine, but Severus is not to blame for this either. 

He was there for me when I needed him. There for me when I wanted to give up and give in. He loves Harry, he protects us and helps me keep  _ our _ son safe. 

I could not lay down and die, James, as much as I so desperately want to. I lost you. You were stolen from me by that monster, the  _ real _ monster. I had our boy to think of. The man who took you from us was Peter, a man who we once called our friend. 

Move on, Jamie. I know it will be hard and be painful, but you have to. Sometimes moving on is the hardest thing you could ever do, but it's worth it in the end. 

I didn’t love Severus when I asked him to marry me. I did it because it felt like the safest thing to do. To keep us safe—to keep Harry safe—I had to become a shade of grey, and I will not apologise for that. Not to you and not to anyone. Loving you and loving him can exist in my heart, but I will always love my son more than I will ever love either of you.”

“It seems we are at an impasse, Lily,” James growled. “The woman that I loved would not have become a shade of grey, not for anything or anyone.”

“It seems that I am no longer the woman you loved then,” she said, handing Harry to Severus. She kissed her son’s forehead. “Harry, that's James, your father, and he loved you so much. He gave his life for us. He was a good person, always remember that.” 

Lily shut her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing, “Love can be one of the most powerful things, my son, but living is, too.”

The boy’s father whispered, “Harry, I love you, be a good boy for your mother. Please don’t forget me.”

“He won’t, Jamie, I will make sure of that. I swear it on my life.” 

“Thank you,” James whispered, vanishing without another word. As if he had never been there at all. 

The echo of him would hang over them for the rest of their days, like an unwelcome house guest, but together Severus, Lily, and Harry would live. That’s all they could do in the end, wasn’t it? 

Live. 

It was a precious thing. James might spend the rest of his days lost in these woods he so desired it. But they couldn’t. They had a life to live. Severus, Lily, and Harry climbed back into the sleigh and made their way back to Hogwarts just as the snow started to fall. 

“I love you, mum and papa,” Harry murmured. 

Those words made it all worth it to both of them. Their choices, as painful and sharp as they may have been, were the only ones that had felt right.. Life was like a chess board, and it was simply a matter of trying your best to stay alive and see it to the end. The three of them were a family. They weren’t like all the rest, but they were one all the same. 

“I love you both,” Lily whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder. 

“And I love you both too.” Severus said, the words echoing throughout the hillside as a ghost cried on in the distance. Ghosts were not capable of change, no matter how much we wish they were. 

Albus Dumbledore would come later, though, and invite the ghost of James Potter to Hogwarts: a chance to watch his son grow up. And he would do just that.

  
  


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